How to Get Over Him: A Plan for the First 30 Days

To get over him, you stop the contact that keeps the wound open, let yourself grieve on purpose instead of all day, and rebuild your days one small routine at a time. Most people feel a real shift within the first month. It won’t be a straight line, but it is a direction, and you can plan for it.

That’s what this guide is: a plan. Not a pep talk, not “just love yourself,” but what to do in the first three days, each week after that, and on the days when it all comes back.

Why Is It So Hard to Get Over Him?

Because your brain is treating him like something it needs.

When researchers scanned people who had recently been rejected but were still in love, looking at a photo of their ex lit up the same reward and craving systems involved in addiction (Fisher et al., 2010). Another study found that thinking about an ex who had rejected you activates brain areas that also process physical pain (Kross et al., 2011).

So when you say “it physically hurts” or “I can’t stop thinking about him,” that’s not drama. It’s how heartbreak works. It also explains why every text, every look at his profile and every “just checking how he’s doing” makes it worse: each one feeds the craving a little.

The good news is that cravings fade when they stop being fed. That’s the whole plan in one sentence.

What Should I Do in the First Three Days?

The first three days are about damage control, not healing. You’re not trying to feel better yet. You’re trying not to make it harder.

Day 1: Decide on no contact. Pick a length, 30 days is a good start, and write it down. If you share kids, a lease or a job, keep contact to logistics only. Our no contact rule guide covers how to do this properly.

Day 2: Remove the easy triggers. Mute or archive the chat. Mute his stories. Move his photos into a hidden album you don’t have to look at. You don’t have to delete anything forever; you only have to stop seeing him by accident twenty times a day.

Day 3: Tell two people. Pick two friends and say: “We broke up. I’m doing no contact. If I say I want to text him, talk me out of it.” Day 3 is often one of the hardest days, and it helps to know why day 3 hits so hard before it arrives.

Eat something. Sleep when you can. That counts as doing well right now.

Week 1: How Do I Stop Thinking About Him All the Time?

You won’t stop thinking about him in week one. The goal is to stop thinking about him all the time, and that’s more doable.

Give the thoughts a slot. Pick 20 minutes a day, same time, to think about him on purpose: cry, replay, write. When he comes into your head at other times, tell yourself “not now, at 8pm.” It sounds odd, but containing the thoughts is easier than fighting them.

Write the text instead of sending it. When you want to message him, write the whole thing out somewhere it can’t reach him. Read it back. Ask what you were hoping he’d reply, and what’s more likely to happen. Most of the time, the urge was about getting it out of your head, not about him reading it.

Plan for the nights. Most of the urges hit late. Decide now where your phone sleeps and what you’ll do instead. Here’s our list of what to do instead of texting your ex at 2am.

Week 2: What Do I Do When I Miss Him?

Week two is when the shock wears off and the missing gets quieter but deeper. You might feel fine on Tuesday and wrecked on Thursday. That’s normal.

When you miss him, try this in order:

1. Name what you miss. Often it isn’t him exactly. It’s the good-morning text, having a plus-one, feeling chosen. Those are real needs, and some of them can be met by other people.
2. Read your reasons. Write three real reasons it ended, in plain words, and keep them on your phone. Missing someone edits out the bad parts. The list doesn’t.
3. Do one thing with your body. A walk, a shower, a stretch. Missing someone lives in your chest as much as your head, and moving helps it pass.

Week two is also when people start wondering what he’s thinking. If that’s you, our honest take on what he’s thinking during no contact might save you some 2am guessing.

Week 3: How Do I Stop Checking His Social Media?

By week three, the big urges usually ease, and the small habits take their place. The biggest one is checking his profile.

It feels harmless because he never knows. But it keeps you in the loop. In one study, people who kept checking an ex’s Facebook reported more distress, more longing for the ex and less personal growth than people who didn’t (Marshall, 2012).

What helps:

• Mute or unfollow him, and anyone who posts him a lot.
• Log out of the app on the nights it’s worst.
• Notice what you’re hoping to find. Proof he’s sad? Proof he’s moved on? Neither one will make you feel better.

If you keep ending up on his page, read how to stop checking your ex’s Instagram.

This is also a good week to add one new thing to your calendar: a class, a standing call with a friend, a run club. Not to “find yourself,” just to have something in your week that has nothing to do with him.

Week 4: When Will I Start to Feel Like Myself Again?

For many people, week four is when they notice an hour, or a whole afternoon, went by without thinking of him. It can feel strange, even a little sad. That’s progress.

Research backs up that the first month matters. A study that followed young adults every day for four weeks after a breakup found that sadness eased over that month, with the steepest drop early on, even though the days in between went up and down (Sbarra and Emery, 2005).

By day 30, ask yourself three questions:

• Do I still want to contact him, and why?
• What have I done this month that I’m proud of?
• What do I want the next 30 days to look like?

If you’re not where you hoped, that’s fine. Thirty days is a milestone, not a deadline. Read the 7 stages of a breakup to see where you are and what comes next.

What Does Getting Over Him Look Like on a Bad Day?

Here’s a real kind of moment, the one most guides skip. It’s night 12, you’ve had a good week, and then a song comes on. You open the chat and write:

I know we said no contact but I just want to know if you think about me at all. Even a little.

In Heal, that message goes into a text box that looks like your chat with him, but it never sends. Then the coach answers instead of him, something like:

It makes sense that you want to know. Twelve days in, missing him this much is normal. What would you do with his answer? If he says yes, does that change why it ended? If he says no, or doesn’t reply, how does tomorrow feel?

Most people don’t send it after that. Not because they were talked out of it, but because they got to say it, and then got to think. That’s the gap you’re trying to build: a few minutes between the urge and the action.

What If I Want Him Back?

That’s allowed. Wanting him back doesn’t mean you’re doing this wrong.

But get through the 30 days first. Decisions made in the first weeks of a breakup are made by the craving, not by you. If you still want to talk to him after a month of space, read should I text my ex? and decide in daylight, with a clear head.

Your 30-Day Checklist

Screenshot this one:

• Days 1 to 3: decide on no contact, mute and archive, tell two friends.
• Week 1: a daily 20-minute slot for thinking about him, write texts instead of sending them, a plan for the nights.
• Week 2: name what you miss, read your reasons, move your body when it hits.
• Week 3: mute his socials, add one new thing to your week.
• Week 4: notice the good hours, answer the three day-30 questions.
• Every day: count it. One more day without contact is one more day of the craving fading.

If you’d like a day-by-day view of what’s normal, our no contact day by day guide walks through days 1 to 30.

FAQ: How to Get Over Him

How long does it take to get over him? There’s no fixed number, and it depends on how long you were together and how it ended. Many people feel a clear shift within the first month of no contact, and the sharpest pain often eases in the first few weeks. Bad days can still show up months later, and that’s normal.

How do I get over him fast? The fastest route is the boring one: stop contact, stop checking his profiles, and fill the gaps he left with people and routines. Every look at his page or late-night text restarts the craving, so cutting those out is what actually speeds things up.

Why can’t I stop thinking about him? Breakups activate the same reward and craving systems involved in addiction, so your brain keeps reaching for him. Thoughts usually come less often once they stop being fed by contact and social media. Giving them a set time each day can also help.

Should I stay friends with him? Not yet. Trying to be friends while you still have feelings tends to keep you hoping. If a friendship is right, it will still be possible after you’ve had real distance and no longer want more.

Is there an app to help me get over him? Yes. Heal is built for this: it tracks your days without contact, gives you a place to write texts that never send, and has an AI coach for the moments you want to reach out. It’s free to download on iPhone and Android.

Sources

• Fisher, H. E., Brown, L. L., Aron, A., Strong, G., and Mashek, D. (2010). Reward, addiction, and emotion regulation systems associated with rejection in love. Journal of Neurophysiology, 104(1), 51 to 60.
• Kross, E., Berman, M. G., Mischel, W., Smith, E. E., and Wager, T. D. (2011). Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain. PNAS, 108(15), 6270 to 6275.
• Sbarra, D. A., and Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213 to 232.
• Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10), 521 to 526.