Holidays After a Breakup: How to Get Through Them

The whole season is built around couples, family tables and year-in-review posts, and every bit of it points at the gap. You’re not imagining that it’s worse right now.

This guide goes through the season in order, from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Eve, with what to do at each step.

Moment	The hard part	The plan
Thanksgiving	The first one, maybe without his family’s table	A new plan for the day, and an exit if you need one
“Where’s Jake?”	Questions with the whole table listening	One sentence, then change the subject
Christmas Eve and Day	The “Merry Christmas” text	Decide by December 1; write it where it can’t send
His family	Contact with him by another route	A short, warm reply if they reach out first
Days alone	The empty hours	Plan the day in blocks, mute him, get outside
New Year’s Eve	Midnight, couples and a few drinks	Archive the chat before you go, or skip midnight

Why Are the Holidays So Hard After a Breakup?

Because this season is full of things you did together. The drive to his parents’. The ornament you bought on your first Christmas. The New Year’s kiss. Every one of those is a cue, and in December they come at you all day.

There’s also the identity part. When you’re with someone for a while, your sense of who you are mixes with theirs: shared friends, shared plans, shared traditions. In one set of studies, people’s descriptions of themselves changed after a breakup, they felt less sure who they were, and that confusion was linked to more distress (Slotter, Gardner and Finkel, 2010). The holidays are when “we” used to matter most, so that’s when “who am I now?” can hit hardest.

Then there’s the permission problem. Reaching out feels allowed in December. It’s Christmas, after all. That’s exactly what makes it risky.

What Should I Say When Family Asks “Where’s Jake?”

Someone will ask. Probably an aunt, probably with half the table listening.

Pick one sentence now and practice it out loud once. Any of these work.

• “We broke up in the summer. I’m doing okay, thanks. How’s the new job?”
• “Jake and I aren’t together anymore. I’d rather not get into it today.”
• “It ended. Pass the potatoes?”

The trick is the second half: answer, then steer somewhere else. You don’t owe anyone the story. If there’s one relative you trust, tell them before the day and ask them to step in if it comes up again.

If someone pushes (“but you were so good together!”), you can repeat yourself. “I know. It still ended.” Saying the same thing twice works better than explaining.

How Do I Get Through Thanksgiving?

Thanksgiving is often the first one, and the first one is usually the hardest because you haven’t done it yet.

If you used to spend it with his family, make a new plan for the day, even a small one. Friendsgiving, a volunteer shift, a long walk and a movie with your sister. A day with no plan is the one that ends up feeling empty.

If you’re at your own family’s, have an exit. Drive yourself, and know which room you can disappear to for ten minutes.

And go easy on the wine. Two glasses in, “Happy Thanksgiving, I’m thankful for what we had” starts to sound like a lovely thing to send.

What If I Want to Send a “Merry Christmas” Text?

You’ll probably want to. It feels harmless. It’s polite, it’s one line, and it’s Christmas.

But be honest about what it’s for. Usually it’s a way to find out if he’s thinking about you. The part you care about is whether he replies, and how fast.

That matters more than it seems. In a study that followed young adults through the four weeks after a breakup, people who stayed in contact with their ex saw their love and sadness fade more slowly than those who didn’t (Sbarra and Emery, 2005). One “Merry Christmas” opens the door for exactly that kind of contact. If he replies warmly, you’re back in it. If he replies coldly, or not at all, you spend Christmas Day checking your phone.

A few things make it easier to hold the line.

1. Decide before the day. “I’m not texting him on Christmas” is easier to stick to if you decided on December 1, not at 11pm on the 24th.
2. Write it, but don’t send it. Get the whole message out somewhere it can’t reach him.
3. Tell one person: “If I go quiet on Christmas Eve, check on me.”
4. If he texts first, you don’t have to reply on the day. A short reply in a week, or no reply, are both fine. Our guide on what to text your ex (and when not to) goes into this.

If you’re torn, take our two-minute should I text my ex quiz before you decide.

What About His Family?

This one gets less attention than it deserves. Sometimes you loved his mom. Sometimes his little sister still sends you memes. It’s a real loss on top of the main one.

You’re allowed to send a card or a kind message to someone in his family you were close to. Before you do, ask yourself who it’s really for. If part of you hopes it gets back to him, or that they’ll mention how he’s doing, wait. That’s contact with him by another route.

If they reach out to you first, a warm, short reply is fine. “Thank you, that means a lot. Merry Christmas to you all.” You don’t need to arrange to see them, and you don’t need to explain.

And if he’s going to be somewhere you are (a shared friend’s party, a small hometown bar on the 26th), decide in advance whether you’re going. Skipping one party isn’t losing. If you do go, bring a friend who knows.

What Do I Do With Our Traditions?

You don’t have to keep them, and you don’t have to delete them forever. But trying to do them exactly the same way, just without him, is usually the worst option.

• Change one thing about each. A different tree lot, a different movie, a new route for the Christmas Eve walk.
• Hand some traditions to other people. The cookie baking you did together could become a cookie bake with your roommate.
• Pause the rest. Some can come back next year, when they feel like yours again.

Then add one thing that’s only yours. A solo trip to see the lights. A new ornament you picked out without anyone’s opinion. Small, yes. It’s also a start on answering “who am I now?”

What If I’m Spending the Holidays Alone?

Being alone on a holiday is different from being lonely, but after a breakup they tend to arrive together.

• Plan the day in blocks. A morning walk, a call with a friend at lunch, a film you’ve been saving, a proper dinner. The spiral tends to start in the empty hours.
• Stay off his profile. People who kept checking an ex’s Facebook reported more distress and longing, and less personal growth (Marshall, 2012). Holiday posts are hard to scroll past. Mute him, and anyone who posts him, before December.
• Get outside at least once, even for 20 minutes.
• Reach for people who are also on their own. You probably know at least one, so ask.

If the nights are the hard part, here’s our list of what to do instead of texting your ex at 2am.

How Do I Get Through New Year’s Eve?

New Year’s Eve stacks the hardest parts of the season into one night, with a midnight kiss on top and usually a few drinks.

Make a plan that doesn’t put you in a room full of couples at midnight if you don’t want that. Dinner with friends that ends at 11, a night in with someone who’s also single, or just going to bed. There’s no rule that you have to see the year in.

If you’re out, decide now what you’ll do at 12:01 when you feel the pull to message him. Hand your phone to a friend, or archive the chat before you leave the house so it isn’t the first thing you see.

And try not to make January 1 a test. You don’t need to be “over him” by the new year. You need to get to January with your streak and your self-respect.

What Does a Holiday Urge Look Like in Heal?

It’s Christmas Eve. You’re at your parents’, everyone’s gone to bed, and you open the chat with him. In Heal, the chat looks like his, but nothing you type ever sends:

Merry Christmas. I know we’re not talking but I saw the lights on Elm Street and thought of you. Hope your family’s good. I miss you.

The coach answers instead of him:

That’s a really kind message, and it makes sense you’d want to send it tonight. Can I ask what you’re hoping happens after he reads it? You’re on day 41. How do you want to feel when you wake up tomorrow?

You can tap SOS instead, breathe for a minute, and then read your reasons or talk it through with the coach. If you get through the night, it counts on your calendar. If you don’t, the slip shows up next to the 40 days you made it. You don’t go back to zero.

Heal can’t make Christmas feel normal this year. It can be the thing you open instead of his chat.

When Does It Get Easier?

Often the season itself is the hard part, and January feels lighter simply because the cues stop. The Christmas songs disappear from the supermarket and people go back to work.

That doesn’t mean you’ll be done grieving by then. But each holiday you get through without him is one you’ll never have to do for the first time again.

If you want to know what’s normal along the way, our no contact day by day guide covers days 1 to 30, and the no contact rule guide covers the rest.

If the holidays are bringing up more than you can carry, please reach out. If you’re struggling to cope or feel unsafe, talk to a doctor or therapist, or find a local helpline at findahelpline.com.

FAQ: Holidays After a Breakup

Should I text my ex Merry Christmas? Usually not, especially if you’re doing no contact. It tends to restart contact, and research links ongoing contact with slower recovery. Write the message somewhere it won’t send and see how you feel the next day.

How do I handle family asking about my ex? Have one short sentence ready, like “We broke up, I’m doing okay,” then change the subject. You don’t owe anyone details, and it helps to ask one trusted relative to step in if it keeps coming up.

Is it okay to stay in touch with my ex’s family over the holidays? A short, kind reply if they reach out is fine. If you’re tempted to contact them yourself, ask whether part of you hopes it gets back to your ex. If it does, wait.

How do I spend Christmas alone after a breakup? Plan the day in blocks, get outside at least once, mute your ex and anyone who posts them, and reach out to friends who are also on their own. An empty day is harder than a planned one.

Is it normal to feel worse over the holidays after a breakup? Yes. The season is full of cues you shared with your ex, from traditions to family gatherings, and couples are everywhere. Feeling worse in November and December doesn’t mean you’re going backwards.

When do the holidays get easier after a breakup? The first round is often the hardest because everything is new. Many people find January lighter once the reminders stop, and next year you’ll be doing it for the second time, not the first.

Sources

• Sbarra, D. A., and Emery, R. E. (2005). The emotional sequelae of nonmarital relationship dissolution: Analysis of change and intraindividual variability over time. Personal Relationships, 12(2), 213 to 232.
• Slotter, E. B., Gardner, W. L., and Finkel, E. J. (2010). Who am I without you? The influence of romantic breakup on the self-concept. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 36(2), 147 to 160.
• Marshall, T. C. (2012). Facebook surveillance of former romantic partners: Associations with post-breakup recovery and personal growth. Cyberpsychology, Behavior, and Social Networking, 15(10), 521 to 526.