What to Text Your Ex (and When Not To)

We make an app that exists because so many people want to text their ex. So you might expect us to say “never.” We won’t. Some texts are fine, and a few are the right thing to do. The trick is telling which kind you’re holding at 11pm with your thumb over the send button.

When Is It Okay to Text Your Ex?

When the text would still make sense if you felt nothing for them.

That’s the test we use. A message about returning a coat makes sense from a coworker. A message saying “this song made me think of you” doesn’t. Texting is usually fine in these situations.

• Logistics you can’t avoid: rent, bills, a shared lease, a subscription in their name, a vet appointment for the dog.
• Getting your things back, or giving theirs back.
• Co-parenting or shared pets, which need ongoing contact. Keep it about the kids or the pet.
• A real apology, weeks or months later, when you don’t need anything back.
• Big news they’d want to hear from you, like a death in the family or something that affects them directly.

Here’s the short version.

The text	Send it?	Why
Splitting a bill, rent or a subscription	Yes	One practical topic, easy to answer
Getting your things back	Yes	Name the items, offer a time
Kids or a shared pet	Yes, about them only	Contact you can’t avoid
A real apology, months later	Maybe	Only if you need nothing back
“Happy birthday”	Usually not, during no contact	It tends to open a conversation
“Are you awake?” or “I miss you”	Not tonight	Write it where it can’t send, decide after you sleep

If your reason isn’t in the table, it might still be fine. But it’s worth slowing down. Our longer guide, should I text my ex?, walks through the in-between cases, and the two-minute Should I text my ex? quiz is there for when you want an outside opinion fast.

What Should I Text My Ex About Logistics?

Keep it to one topic, give a clear option, and stop. No greeting paragraph. No “hope you’re well” unless you really mean it.

A few you can copy.

Hi, the electric bill came in at $86. Can you send your half by Friday?

I’m going to cancel the shared Spotify at the end of the month. Let me know if you want to move your playlists before then.

The vet says Biscuit’s due for his shots. I can take him on Saturday unless you’d rather do it.

Notice what’s missing. No emoji, no “lol,” nothing that invites a longer chat. You can be warm in person one day. Right now a short text protects you from a conversation you aren’t ready for.

How Do I Text My Ex to Get My Stuff Back?

Name the things, offer a time, and make the handover easy. If you can, suggest a way that doesn’t need you both in the same room.

Hi, I still have a few things at yours: my grey hoodie, the blue cast iron pan and my passport. Could I pick them up Sunday afternoon? Or you could leave them with Maya.

I’ve put your things in a box: the speaker, two jackets and your books. I can drop it at your building on Thursday evening, or your brother could grab it. Whatever’s easier.

If they don’t answer in a day or two, one follow-up is fine. After that, ask a mutual friend or let it go. Some hoodies aren’t worth it.

How Do I Apologize to My Ex Over Text?

Wait until you’re not hoping for something back. Then say what you did, say you’re sorry, and don’t ask for anything.

After a few months apart, it might read like this.

Hey. It’s been a few months, and I’ve been thinking about how I acted near the end. I was unfair to you when I went through your phone, and I’m sorry. You don’t need to reply. I just wanted you to know I see it now.

What makes this work: it names one specific thing, it doesn’t explain or justify, and it closes the door gently with “you don’t need to reply.”

And here’s how one goes wrong.

I’m sorry for everything. I know I messed up. Can we talk? I really miss you.

The first two sentences are an apology. The last two are a request. They’ll hear the request, and you’ll be waiting for the reply.

What Should I Reply If My Ex Texts Me?

You don’t owe them a reply, especially in the first weeks. If it’s practical, answer the practical part only.

Them: hey, how are you doing?

You: (no reply needed)

Them: do you still have my charger?

You: Yes. I’ll leave it with the concierge tomorrow.

Them: I miss you.

You: (no reply, or if you need to: “I’m not ready to talk right now. Please give me some space.”)

If you’re doing no contact, our no contact rule guide has more on handling messages from them without starting the clock over in your head.

Which Texts Should You Not Send to Your Ex?

Most of the ones you want to send at night.

You know the ones.

• “Are you awake?”
• “I saw something that reminded me of you.”
• “I just need to know one thing.”
• “Did you ever actually love me?”
• “Congrats on the new job” (when you only know because you checked their LinkedIn at 1am).

Wanting to send them doesn’t make you weak. The problem is timing, because tired brains are bad at this. In one study, people who’d been kept awake all night showed far stronger reactions in the amygdala, the brain’s alarm center, when they looked at upsetting images. Their amygdala was also less connected to the part of the brain that usually calms it down (Yoo et al., 2007). Being up late after a breakup isn’t the same as a sleepless night in a lab. Still, it’s a decent clue about why 2am feels so urgent and 9am feels so embarrassing.

There’s also the question of what you’re starting. A study of nearly 800 young adults found that close to half of those in relationships had broken up and got back together at least once, and many had sex with an ex after splitting up (Halpern-Meekin et al., 2013). The authors read this as a lot of uncertainty in young people’s relationships. A single “are you awake?” can be the start of another round of that.

If tonight is one of those nights, here’s our list of what to do instead of texting your ex at 2am.

How Do I Check a Text Before I Send It?

Write it somewhere it can’t send, then come back to it. This is the step we’d add to every text you’re unsure about, even the practical ones.

1. Write the whole thing first. In Heal, in your notes app, on paper. All of it, including the parts you’d cut.
2. Ask what you’re hoping they’ll reply. If the honest answer is “that they miss me,” it isn’t a logistics text.
3. Ask how you’d feel if they didn’t reply at all. If silence would wreck your night, don’t send it tonight.
4. Wait. Until morning at least. Practical texts survive a night. Emotional ones usually shrink.
5. Cut it down. If you still want to send it tomorrow, keep the one line that’s actually needed.

If what you wrote turns out to be a lot longer than a text, that’s often a sign it’s a letter. Our guide on how to write an unsent letter to your ex has examples for that.

What Does “Write It in Heal First” Look Like?

Say it’s Sunday night. You need your passport back before a trip, which is a real reason. But the text you start writing goes somewhere else:

Hey, I need my passport back before the 14th. Also I wanted to say I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I’m not sure we made the right call. Can we get a coffee when I pick it up?

In Heal, that goes into a chat that looks like theirs. It doesn’t send. The coach answers instead, something like:

The passport part makes total sense to send. The second part sounds like it’s carrying a lot more. What would you want to happen at that coffee? If you’d like, try sending only the first line tomorrow, and we can talk about the rest here.

So the next morning you send this:

Hi, I need my passport back before the 14th. Could I pick it up Wednesday evening, or could you leave it with Maya?

The feelings didn’t go anywhere. They just didn’t get bundled into a message about a passport. You can keep talking them through with the coach, or write them out in full.

Heal won’t decide for you, and it can’t stop you sending something from your normal messages app. What it gives you is a place to put the first draft and a few minutes to think before anything reaches them.

FAQ: What to Text Your Ex

What is a good text to send your ex? A good text has one clear, practical purpose and is easy to answer, like arranging to return belongings or splitting a bill. Keep it short, skip the small talk, and avoid anything that invites a long emotional conversation.

Should I text my ex happy birthday? If you’re still hoping to get back together or you’re in no contact, it’s usually better not to. A birthday text tends to open a conversation. If you’re both well past it and on friendly terms, a short “Happy birthday, hope it’s a good one” is fine.

How do I apologize to my ex without seeming desperate? Wait until you don’t need a reply. Name the specific thing you did, say you’re sorry, and end with “you don’t need to reply.” Leave out “I miss you” and “can we talk,” which turn an apology into a request.

Is it okay to text my ex late at night? It’s rarely a good idea. Late at night you’re tired and more emotional, and texts written then often feel very different in the morning. Write it somewhere it can’t send and decide after you’ve slept.

Should I text my ex for closure? Usually not. A closure text tends to ask them for something, like an explanation or an apology, and you can’t control whether you get it. Write it as an unsent letter first. If you still want to send something a week later, keep it short and don’t end with a question.

Is there an app where you can text your ex without sending it? Yes. Heal (listed as Heal: No Contact & Breakup on the App Store and Google Play) has a chat that looks like your chat with your ex, but nothing you type ever sends, and an AI coach replies instead. For a quick version in your browser, try our free unsent text tool.

What if my ex doesn’t reply to a practical text? Send one polite follow-up after a day or two. If there’s still nothing, ask a mutual friend to help, or decide whether the item is worth more of your energy.

If you’re struggling to cope or feel unsafe, talk to a doctor or therapist, or find a local helpline at findahelpline.com.

Sources

• Yoo, S.-S., Gujar, N., Hu, P., Jolesz, F. A., and Walker, M. P. (2007). The human emotional brain without sleep: a prefrontal amygdala disconnect. Current Biology, 17(20), R877 to R878.
• Halpern-Meekin, S., Manning, W. D., Giordano, P. C., and Longmore, M. A. (2013). Relationship churning in emerging adulthood: On/off relationships and sex with an ex. Journal of Adolescent Research, 28(2), 166 to 188.