You're reading this because you're either about to start no contact, you've already broken it twice, or you're three days in and wondering if you're doing it wrong.
Here's the thing: you're not doing it wrong. You're just doing something really, really hard without a playbook.
This is that playbook.
No fluff. No "just focus on yourself" platitudes. Just everything you need to know about the no contact rule—what it actually is, why it works, how long to do it, and what happens when you inevitably want to break it.
Let's get into it.
What Is the No Contact Rule, Really?
The no contact rule is exactly what it sounds like: a period of time where you completely cut off communication with your ex.
No texts. No calls. No "accidentally" liking their Instagram post from 47 weeks ago. No asking your mutual friend to casually mention you. No checking if they've viewed your story.
Nothing.
It sounds simple. It's not.
But here's what makes this different from just "ignoring someone": the no contact rule isn't a manipulation tactic. It's not about making your ex miss you (though that might happen). It's not about winning some invisible game.
It's about giving yourself space to actually heal.
When you're constantly in contact with someone who broke your heart—or someone whose heart you broke—you're picking at a wound every single day. You can't heal what you keep reopening.
No contact creates distance. And distance creates clarity.
What No Contact Is:
- A boundary you set for yourself
- Time and space to process what happened
- A reset for your nervous system
- Permission to stop performing "I'm fine" for your ex
- An opportunity to remember who you were before this relationship
What No Contact Isn't:
- A way to punish your ex
- A manipulation tactic to get them back
- Proof that you don't care
- Something you're doing to them
- A guarantee of any specific outcome
The no contact rule works whether you want your ex back or not. Whether they broke up with you or you ended things. Whether it was mutual or messy or somewhere in between.
Because ultimately, it's not about them. It's about you.
Why the No Contact Rule Actually Works
Let's talk science for a second.
When you go through a breakup, your brain responds the same way it responds to physical pain. Brain scans of people going through heartbreak show activation in the same regions associated with cocaine withdrawal.
You're literally going through withdrawal from a person.
Every time you text your ex, check their social media, or "accidentally" drive past their apartment, you're giving yourself a tiny hit of that drug. You feel relief for about three seconds. Then you feel worse.
No contact breaks this cycle.
Here's what happens when you actually commit to it:
Week 1-2: Withdrawal
This is the hardest part. Your brain is screaming at you to reach out. You'll convince yourself of a hundred reasons why you "need" to contact them:
- "I just need to get my hoodie back"
- "I should check if they're okay"
- "I need closure"
- "What if they think I hate them?"
These aren't real reasons. They're withdrawal symptoms dressed up as logic.
This phase sucks. It's supposed to suck. That's how you know it's working.
Week 3-4: The Fog Starts Lifting
Somewhere around week three, something shifts. You might have your first morning where you don't immediately think about them. You might laugh at something without wondering if you should text them about it.
The obsessive thoughts start spacing out. You're not healed, but you're stabilizing.
Week 5+: Clarity Emerges
This is where the real work happens. With some distance, you can start seeing the relationship more clearly. The rose-colored glasses start coming off.
You might realize:
- Things weren't as perfect as you've been telling yourself
- You were ignoring red flags
- You lost parts of yourself in that relationship
- You're actually... kind of okay?
This clarity is impossible to access when you're in constant contact. Your brain can't process something it's still actively experiencing.
How Long Should No Contact Last?
The internet loves to throw around specific numbers: 30 days, 60 days, 90 days.
Here's the truth: there's no magic number.
But there are guidelines that actually make sense.
30 Days: The Minimum
Thirty days is the baseline. It's long enough to break the initial addiction cycle and start getting some clarity.
30 days works best if:
- The relationship was shorter (under a year)
- The breakup was relatively clean
- You're already in a stable emotional place
- You have strong support systems
60 Days: The Standard
Sixty days gives you more space to actually process, not just survive.
60 days works best if:
- The relationship was 1-3 years
- The breakup was messy or unclear
- You have a pattern of going back to exes
- You need more time to rebuild your routines
90 Days: The Deep Reset
Ninety days is for when you need serious distance to undo serious patterns.
90 days works best if:
- The relationship was 3+ years
- The relationship was toxic or codependent
- You've tried shorter periods and kept breaking
- You genuinely need to rebuild your identity outside this person
Here's What Actually Matters
Pick a timeline and commit to it. Don't set a 30-day goal and then extend it to 60 halfway through because things are going well. Don't set 90 days and then cut it short because you feel better.
The commitment itself is part of the healing.
And honestly? For most people, the answer to "how long should I do no contact?" is: longer than you want to.
What Actually Counts as Contact?
This is where people get tricky with themselves. So let's be really clear.
This Is Contact:
- Texting them
- Calling them
- DMing them
- Emailing them
- Commenting on their posts
- Liking their posts (yes, even old ones)
- Viewing their stories
- Having someone else reach out on your behalf
- Responding when they reach out
- "Accidentally" showing up where they'll be
This Is Also Contact (Even Though You'll Tell Yourself It's Not):
- Checking their social media profiles (even if you don't interact)
- Looking at their Venmo activity
- Checking their Spotify listening history
- Reading their tweets
- Stalking their LinkedIn
- Watching their stories from a finsta
- Asking mutual friends about them
- Posting things specifically designed to get their attention
The Social Media Problem
Social media makes no contact exponentially harder. You can technically not reach out to someone while still being completely obsessed with their online presence.
Here's my recommendation: mute, don't block.
Blocking creates drama. It sends a message. It gives you something to undo later.
Muting is invisible. They don't know. You just stop seeing their content.
Mute them on everything:
- Instagram stories and posts
- Twitter/X
- TikTok
- Anywhere else they show up
If you can't trust yourself not to manually check their profile, block them. Your healing matters more than being polite.
And if they follow your close friends account or you share a private story with them? Remove them. This isn't petty. This is self-protection.
What to Do When You Want to Break No Contact
You will want to break it. Probably multiple times. Maybe today.
Here's what to do instead.
The 24-Hour Rule
When you feel the urge to reach out, commit to waiting 24 hours. Not because the urge will go away (it might not), but because 24 hours gives your rational brain time to catch up with your emotional brain.
Most urges to reach out are driven by:
- Loneliness
- Anxiety
- A specific trigger (song, place, memory)
- Boredom
- Alcohol
These feelings are real, but they're not good reasons to break no contact.
Write the Text You Want to Send
Open your notes app. Write exactly what you want to say to them. Get it all out.
Then don't send it.
You got the release of expressing yourself without the consequence of actually reaching out. Save it. Read it in a week. You'll probably be embarrassed you almost sent it.
Phone a Friend
Seriously. Call someone. Tell them you're struggling. Let them talk you off the ledge.
If you don't have someone you can call, write in a journal. Post anonymously on Reddit. Use a breakup app. Just redirect that energy somewhere that isn't your ex's inbox.
Remember Why You Started
When you're three weeks in and starting to romanticize the relationship, it helps to have something concrete to look back on.
Write down:
- Why the relationship ended
- How you felt at your lowest points
- The things that weren't working
- What you need that you weren't getting
Read this when you want to break no contact. Remind yourself that your memory is selective and your brain is a liar.
Move Your Body
This sounds like generic advice because it is. It's also true.
When you're flooded with the urge to reach out, you have stress hormones coursing through your body. Movement helps metabolize them.
Walk around the block. Do twenty jumping jacks. Dance to one song. Anything to discharge that physical energy.
Then see if you still want to text them.
When It's Actually Okay to Break No Contact
No contact isn't an absolute rule with zero exceptions. There are legitimate reasons to reach out.
Legitimate Reasons to Break No Contact:
- You share children. Co-parenting requires communication. Keep it strictly logistical.
- You have shared financial obligations. Leases, shared accounts, loans. Handle the business, nothing more.
- You need to exchange belongings. But be honest—is it really about the belongings, or is it an excuse? If you can live without it, let it go.
- There's a genuine emergency. A death in the family. A serious health issue. Something that truly requires communication.
- Legal obligations. Divorce proceedings, business partnerships, etc.
Not Legitimate Reasons (Even Though They Feel Like It):
- "I need closure"
- "I want to apologize"
- "I just want to check on them"
- "It's their birthday"
- "Something reminded me of them"
- "I had a dream about them"
- "I want to be friends eventually"
- "I need to know if they're seeing someone"
If you're breaking no contact for any of these reasons, you're not done healing yet. That's okay. Just don't break no contact.
What If They Reach Out to You?
This is the question everyone really wants answered.
Short answer: Don't respond. At least not right away.
Longer answer: It depends on what they're saying and where you are in your healing.
If They Reach Out in Your First 30 Days
Don't respond. You're too early in the process. Your brain is still in withdrawal mode. Any response will set you back.
If it's something urgent (see legitimate reasons above), keep your response short, factual, and impersonal. Don't open the door to conversation.
If They Reach Out After 30+ Days
You have more options here. Ask yourself:
- Why are they reaching out?
- How do I actually feel about this (not how do I want to feel)?
- What do I want from this interaction?
- Can I handle this without spiraling?
If you're genuinely uncertain, wait 48 hours before responding. Your first instinct is usually emotional, not rational.
Types of Messages and What They Mean
"Hey" / "What's up" / "How are you"
This is a low-effort reach out. They're testing the waters. You're not obligated to make it easy for them.
"I miss you"
This is about their feelings, not yours. Missing someone and wanting to be with them are different things.
"Can we talk?"
Vague and usually not productive. If you do respond, ask what specifically they want to talk about.
"I've been thinking about us"
See above. Thinking and doing are different things.
"I made a mistake"
Maybe. But a text isn't accountability. Words without action don't mean much.
The Response That Works
If you do decide to respond, keep it:
- Short
- Neutral in tone
- Not emotionally reactive
- Clear about your boundaries
You don't owe them enthusiasm. You don't owe them closure. You don't owe them an immediate response.
The Hardest Part Nobody Talks About
The hardest part of no contact isn't not texting them.
It's sitting with yourself.
When you're in a relationship—especially a consuming one—you outsource a lot of your emotional regulation to another person. They're who you text when you're bored. They're who you call when you're anxious. They're how you know you're okay.
When that's gone, you have to sit with feelings you've been avoiding.
Loneliness. Boredom. Anxiety. The fear that you'll never find someone again. The fear that you will.
No contact forces you to deal with all of it without your usual coping mechanism (them).
This is uncomfortable. It's also where the real growth happens.
What to Actually Do During No Contact
Not texting your ex isn't a personality. You need things to actually do.
The Basics
Feel your feelings. Don't numb out with substances, rebounds, or constant distraction. Let yourself be sad. Let yourself be angry. Emotions processed are emotions that pass.
Take care of your body. Sleep. Eat real food. Move. Shower. The basics matter more than you think when you're in survival mode.
Stay connected. Isolation makes everything worse. See your friends. Call your family. Let people know you're going through something.
The Work
Understand what happened. Not to obsess over it, but to learn from it. What patterns do you keep repeating? What did you ignore? What do you actually need in a relationship?
Reconnect with yourself. What did you like doing before this relationship? What did you stop doing? Who were you before them?
Get support if you need it. Therapy is great. Breakup coaches exist. Support groups exist. You don't have to do this alone.
The Distractions (That Are Actually Okay)
Not everything has to be deep healing work. Sometimes you just need to get through the day.
- Watch the show they never wanted to watch
- See the friends you've been neglecting
- Start that project you've been putting off
- Rearrange your furniture
- Take a class in something random
- Travel somewhere, even just for a day
The goal isn't to avoid your feelings. It's to build a life that's full enough that your ex isn't the only thing in it.
What Happens After No Contact?
Eventually, the period you set will end. Then what?
Option 1: Extend It
If you get to day 30 (or 60 or 90) and you're not ready, extend it. There's no prize for finishing early. You'll know you're ready when the thought of reaching out doesn't make your chest tight.
Option 2: Reach Out
If you've done the work and you want to reconnect—whether to try again or just to have closure—you can reach out.
But be honest with yourself about why. "I want to get back together" is a different conversation than "I want to be friends." Don't pretend it's one when it's the other.
Option 3: Move On Without Closing the Loop
This is the one nobody wants to hear.
You might never talk to them again. You might not get the closure conversation. You might not become friends. The relationship might just... end.
And you can still heal. You can still move on. Closure is something you give yourself, not something you get from them.
The Truth About the No Contact Rule
Here it is:
No contact works. Not because it makes your ex miss you. Not because it's some psychological trick. Not because it guarantees any particular outcome.
It works because it's the only way to actually heal.
You cannot get over someone you're still emotionally entangled with. You cannot gain clarity while you're still in the chaos. You cannot rebuild your life while you're still clinging to the old one.
No contact gives you space. What you do with that space is up to you.
What Now?
If you're starting no contact today, here's your action list:
- Pick your timeline. 30, 60, or 90 days. Write it down.
- Mute them everywhere. Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, everything.
- Tell someone. A friend, a therapist, an internet stranger. Accountability helps.
- Write down why. Why the relationship ended. How you felt. What you need to remember when this gets hard.
- Track your progress. Use an app, a calendar, a journal. Something that lets you see how far you've come.
The next few weeks are going to be hard. You're going to want to break this a hundred times.
But you're also going to learn that you can do hard things. That you can survive without them. That you're stronger than you think.
That's not nothing. That's everything.
Starting your no contact journey? Download Heal to track your progress and get daily support designed specifically for what you're going through.
Download the Heal app:
- iOS: Download from App Store
- Android: Download from Google Play
